Thursday, 26 July 2012

I Am Fat And That Never Defined Who I Am

This is a ridiculously massive post. So skip it if you want. But don't leave meaningless comments which would make it clear you have not read it.
It's an afternoon and we are having a rare nice conversation and suddenly it takes a turn and I end up telling her, "I don't even want to be with someone who won't love me just because I am fat. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't see I am so much more than my body size!" and all she does is stand there with a blank look and I know she is doing what she always does (not just with me), she is mentally somewhere else and thinking something else, not even listening to me.
Some other things I have heard - 
"I was not that fat at your age"
"Look at your friend/best friend and look at you. Don't you want to look as good as they do?"
"Look at me! Even at my age I am so lean! How does a 20 year old be this big?!"
Concerned relative before leaving the house, moments after I thought, "thank god I didn't have to hear a pseudo-concerned slightly sexist rant about my weight," concerned relative goes, "I told your mum to buy you a tread mill this time instead of anything else."
"But no guy will like you!".. isn't that the sole purpose of  my living? Isn't that the only reason I have educated myself? Isn't it?
"It's good you can cook well but don't go eating everything you make all the time," with a twinkle in their eye
"Next time I am making you take the stairs along with me!"
"You need to shed of those kilos. You should walk every day for an hour at least," says the mother of a morbidly obese family who won't stop feeding butter to her sons and sugar to her diabetic husband.
"You are saying my dressing sense is out there? What about that fat-ass Debiparna who wears those shorts at tuition classes?!" in a squeaky high pitched voice as someone told someone in the presence of my friend when I was still in school
"It seems like her button is going to burst!" said by an extremely bitchy girl and a girl I thought was a friend for the sheer purpose of being mean..their excuse-it was just a joke. I am the one with an uber sensitive hide.

Really I have received all these comments from various people throughout my life! When I was in school, actually ever since I was a kid and could rationally understand this irrational world I have had bigger problems and issues to deal with. And it wasn't until I quit dancing in 4th grade that I started gaining weight. I had a major weight gain in 10th grade and then again in 12th. While in college, life got much more relaxed, the 12(to14) hours a day 7 days a week crazy schedule in school was gone and naturally in such a relaxed environment I only gained more weight. I noticed after a couple of those years in college that I was one of the very few people who had gained and not lost weight. The last years in school were emotionally draining for me since I was studying something I had no aptitude for and felt pressured to get the minimum grades I would need to get into a good college with my choice of subject. This affected me in many ways that mixed with the other things going on all around me turned me from this really extroverted person to someone who barely spoke with anyone. I have never felt sorry for myself and I have never felt victimised for being just a bit bigger in size than my friends. What always annoys me is the ignorance from which such comments come from. The general inability to accept something or someone that is different saddens me, pisses me off more than anything else. As I said maybe the reason why my weight has never been an issue with me is because I have had other bigger fish to fry. But I have let some of these comments stick with me as you can see. Not in a self-harming, mental torture kind of way, I remember every insult and who made it. I can get back at people for making such remarks now but when I was in school I didn't know this. Unconsciously I think I felt jokes about my weight came with the territory so as to say. Even now if someone says something about my weight I don't know how to react. I am torn between outright indignation and utter apathy sometimes. I feel like I should make an outraged statement and they would magically start thinking positively about different bodies from then on but, then again in milliseconds I am reminded that they didn't even think before they said what they did and also I don't really care.
Because doesn't being fat automatically give every random hill-billy the right to be concerned about your weight? No. It doesn't.
The reason I started posting my own pictures on this blog was because I had discovered this amazing thing bloggers were doing and thereby spreading encouragement all over the globe among lots of girls (and even guys) who struggle with either their weight or these stupid comments - there were various topics about body acceptance which made me go, "oh hey I am not the only one who thinks being fat is not that big of a deal!". And the very fact that the wonderful fatshionistas(a term I did not know exists) posted their own pictures in these gorgeous pretty/feminine/trendy/edgy outfits and they looked so brilliant! When I first started following blogs they were all amazing and made me want to blog, but I was just going to post written content. Then I got to thinking, these bloggers are real people, then there must be some out there who are as big as me or bigger and I never looked back! Gabi of Gabi Fresh was the first fatshion blog I started following. Her motto is not only to ignore the rules, she actually doesn't believe in dressing for your body type and wears whatever she likes. I love that about her. I like that she doesn't use any euphemisms for being fat because I never shied away from the word. It's an adjective not an insult! Some of us are thin, some fat, some in between and that says as much about who we are as does the chalk about cheese. Being fat doesn't automatically make me cute, sweet and everything nice nor does it make me lazy, sloppy and everything ugly. I talked about these perceptions based on weight in this post of mine.
I know this was a long post. But reading this incredibly honest post from LuAnne - Being the Fat daughter - brought back a lot of things I have faced in my life and though it didn't affect me as hard as it would a normal person, I identified with lots of things written here. We scar for different reasons sometimes and I have had to deal with plenty of the issues mentioned here but for other reasons. This was a very personal post from LuAnne and I am happy I know her. And I love her style. I am not going to stop wearing some things just because someone thinks my body is not suitable for it. My style is a reflection of my personality. My words and opinions are a reflection of who I am and what I believe in. My weight and size are mere numbers and I don't use numbers to express who I am or to vent bottled up emotions (unlike some...true story -a teacher actually suggested I do that in order to be better at math...I didn't get him either..until recently; you see we all have our own ways of showing who we are, he had numbers and I didn't get him then because I was told math is not a subject to express yourself. You solved problems and got high scores).
This is not a rant. I don't write much usually but that post got me going this time. Life has taught me ever since I was a kid to accept the different without even ever considering the other options. I have and always will have an open mind and I love surrounding myself with people who are different than me (provided they are not moronic, narrow-minded idiots) . I have it in me to accept people as they are whether I like them or not. I have always had that quality in me and I have dealt with things on my own in my own ways, I have had help and support and everything that has happened so far is the reason I am the way I am today. I am a good person, I am a loyal friend, I have secrets I will take to the grave, I will always stand up for you if you are being bullied and be a bitch to me or the people I care about I will forget I have manners. My weight is not an issue as it should not be to any of you out there. I am happy I have this blog because without this I wouldn't have discovered so many good things going on in corners of the world I have never been to and perhaps will never go to. I honestly think people who don't read blogs are missing out on something big happening in the world right now.

Thanks for reading this post.
Love yourself and be kind to others.
All women are real women, curves or no curves.




25 comments:

  1. Nice post dear! Don't care what people think about you :)


    Thank you for your wonderful comment on my blog earlier :)

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  2. Omg this was so moving for me. Just know I think you are fabulous and wonderful!

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  3. Debi I am truly astonished on the comments you have received in your life, this is insane.
    We are first of all human being and it is not acceptable that we are measured in terms of appearance.
    I like you as you are and I am following your blog becaure although you are very young you have got brains. a lot....
    Plus, I like your style and the fact that your are showing how real people dress.
    You are not a fake....

    Don't Call Me Fashion Blogger
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  4. You know what Debi what ever size we are there will always be people who say such things...I grew up being told I was too skinny to be pretty...I was incessantly bullied in college where entire line of boys from the hostels used to chant 25kgs every single morning while I walked past...I just knew I had to learn not to care...I actually like the text heavy posts and really appreciated this one x

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    1. wow jerks know how to ruin a person's day don't they?!that was disgusting of them..and they thought they were being oh so funny!i wonder if even half of them thought about what they were doing can be immensely rude and upsetting..

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  5. Debi you're beautiful, love your posts because they're always so touching! Do you know the song Beautiful by Christina Aguilera? It teaches us to love the body we have and not to listen to other people's judgement.

    Kisses Alessia

    THE CHILI COOL


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  6. You know Debi, it is how confident you are in your own skin that matters! And I love your confidence. I accepted my flaws after I started blogging..the fat arms and blah! I still do crib at all times but that's just the drama queen in me!
    I wish people were more like you!

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  7. Hello Debi,
    I read all your post and I think you're brave enough and very honest.
    I am really thin, I try to gain weight but I can't as a result I look younger. Many people comment "You're so thin!" in a negative way. It's very annoying that they critisize and comment about me when I haven't asked about their opinion.
    From your text I can understand how mean some people were towards you.
    My advice even though I think you don't need it is "do not care!".
    I try to stop being judgemental about others and weight is a personal situation that doesn't concern me so I have never told to a person "You should lose weight". Some of my friends have some more kilos and I never tell something about their weight.
    The last sentence of your post is meaningful!
    Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself!
    We are who we are and that's makes us special!
    Sorry for my long comment! :)

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    1. see!it is extra-ordinarily rude of them to say that to you..your weight is none of their business and more importantly you are so much apart from your weight..these comments are sometimes meant to hurt us,sometimes they think they are doing us a favour(like we need their opinions about our bodies!),sometimes it just comes naturally to them because society has etched into their minds there are certain standards about our bodies and they don't even think before speaking.
      it is okay for a loved 1 to be concerned about our health but it is never okay for them to be condescending or rude about the way we look.

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  8. To a certain extent, I know what you mean, yet in another, I don't really know what you mean. I think people/the internet have a pretty black and white view of health. There's the "you're fat, it's bad" view and the "people are fat, doesn't mean they're unhealthy" view. But honestly, I think what you decide to do with your weight, with your health is 1. not always entirely in your control and 2. the part that is in your control is IN YOUR CONTROL.

    I think everyone deals with it differently. Do you think it's fair to keep my mind open and go on a person by person basis? I make cracks like "Oh, I shouldn't eat that, so many calories" and "I haven't worked out lately!" as phrases to relate to others, but I suppose I stop when those phrases don't relate. How would you feel if I said that in passing to you? I'd love to know.

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    1. i wouldn't mind at all..you know as hard as it may be to believe i don't eat much more than all my other friends who are all slimmer than me..i agree our weight is not in our control unless we choose to diet & exercise to make a difference & when a friend is doing that I am fully supportive of them..just like they have to respect the fact that I am not making my weight & size a priority right now in my life..i do go on routines to cut back the flab i gained over the holidays but i have never cribbed to be a size 4/6/8..we all make those passing remarks about food which is very heavy & for health they should be eaten in moderation..but you know what these comments are harmless and not meant for derogating someone...however specific comments about a particular person's weight are rude..no matter what size the person is..size o to whatever is the upper limit..i saw this movie "what's eating gilbert grape" and there's was a storyline about the morbbidly obese mother who became the joke of the town.it was touching when she said she knows how she has let go and how she never intended to be the joke of the town this way..

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    2. I think that's a nice healthy attitude to have. Like others, I'm sorry to hear that some people have tried to enforce their values on you.

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    3. oh there's nothing to be sorry about!i don't give a damn about people who say such stuff..i made this post because i know how rude some comments can be to a few others who are in my spot..i am not saying it doesn't affect me but it is more about the person trying to bring me down by using my weight rather than some other personality or character trait..

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  9. I read this and it made me sad. I don't get why people have to judge others by their appearance, picking on others is cruel and hurting - but I hope you know, that you're good for who you am.

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  10. I appreciate your writing and I want to tell you that I agree with you.
    In India, discrimination on the basis of color,gender,body shape, and other types of biases are more widespread, I feel. Therefore, a child growing up in a traditional society generally goes through so much mental pain. But since we are grown up now, we should take the control back in our hands and love ourselves for who we are.
    I agree with you about what you wrote about the blogging world where there are many shinning examples of women/girls who came out of such biased and unbalanced social structures and found their voice and shared it with the whole world , thereby giving strength to million others who were/are in the same situation.
    So, we have to keep on fighting...for our rights...and love ourselves at the same time.
    And about body shape and fashion, I do believe that everybody can look good in whatever size or shape, if she loves and accepts her body as it is and is proud of it.

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  11. hey debi! i'm so glad you posted this. i'm truly saddened to hear that people said these things to you. you're not fat to me and i always thought you were beautiful. words can truly be hurting and cutting. i remember some not so nice things people said to me when i was in elementary school. it still hurts to this day. i was extremely THIN when i was younger, but TALL. so i would get tall jokes and 4 eye jokes because i also wore glasses. i wasn't big in high school, but my boyfriend at the time was very abusive verbally and overly cared about appearances. we went to a fast food place and he wouldn't let me order anything because "i had to maintain my weight". he said, here's an apple for you. my weight gain came in graduate school. i was under a lot of pressure and i've struggled with it since. going up and down. in the end you have to do what's best for yourself. i know when my weight is a problem and take measures to cut back, but that doesn't give anyone the right to make unkind statements. blogging has been funny for me. i find some to be supportive, but then i find some who display the same cliquish ways of high school (if you don't have designer this, or if you're not thin that) so it's been a mixed bag of feelings. i just post what i want and follow a small group of people. again, thanks for sharing this. be encouraged there's NOTHING wrong with you my friend. ((hug))
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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  12. I loved reading this! It's like hearing a voice of sanity in an insane world.

    It's hard for me to comment specifically on the issue of weight since I've always been on the opposite end of the spectrum ("You're too skinny!" "Do you eat?" "You look like a little boy." "Real women have curves."), but it's easy to see that broadly, every woman can relate to the feeling of society telling us we are in some way physically inadequate. We each have two obligations: first, to realize that society is ridiculous (and that there are sexist double-standards that come into play, etc.) and second, to remind everyone around us that our physical appearances should be a non-issue. Most people don't even make it to the first part of the equation (which I don't even like to refer to as body acceptance...I think of it more of an acknowledgement of body irrelevance), for understandable reasons, which is a bummer.

    The more we remind the people around us that we are more than our BMI or our bone structure, the more we broaden social perspectives on the whole, and the more we might encourage someone else to reject ideologies that attempt to enforce the idea of how a woman "should" look, even if that someone else is someone in our family or someone close to us.

    Gah, I don't know. I'm so happy you wrote this!

    Riots, not diets.

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    1. exactly my point..i spoke of being fat because i have been fat but i get why those comments are nasty because nobody has the right to put down our bodies thin or thick just because it is too hard for them to understand that it is ridiculously sexist to begin with...and i have seen fat guys also being the butt of the joke and that comes from a mean bunch of people who are obviously not thinking what they are doing is wrong..
      "riots, not diets" is such a cool motto!

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  13. dear Debi,
    while browsing through some other blogs i came across your blogpage. and this is he first ever post i read or urs. i m happy to see u r truthful to your readers. the fact that one is fat has nothing to do with being a good person that everyone would want to b around with, and my personal experience says such girls do find the man of their dreams who loves her for what she is and loves every curve of hers. be it the curling smile across the face or the ones shows when she wears a narrow jeans. and i , am one of those girls. :)
    i love ur spirit and i shall henceforth read more of what u write.
    cheers!
    -kunj
    kohllined.blogspot.in

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  14. Sean and smoke are some of the themes on my mind as well !! Thanx for sharing your finds :)

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  15. Hello Debiparna,

    just loved ur post...coz i believe" Real women have curves"

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  16. Keep writing coz ur posts are encouraging.....and an eye opener for those who who hv gone through such phases...

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I believe all women are real women. Our bodies and looks do not define who we are.

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